The bad review.
Yeah, I have a few of them; okay, let’s go over a few bad reviews real quick…
A band played a showcase to record executives, and they played the show of their lives! Afterwards the band was extremely excited to see what the record executives had to say; after all, this was their big chance. The executives told the band to lose the singer and they had a record deal… You might know the band and the terrible singer. The singer’s name was Bono, and the band? U2.
A man started a business and failed due to bad reviews, so he decided to run for political office. He lost. He tried again and LOST AGAIN, so his critics brushed him off. He tried again, this time for Vice President of the United States… He LOST A THIRD TIME!!! His name? Abraham Lincoln.
Ten thousand times he failed – TEN THOUSAND times? Are you kidding me?! He was ass deep in bamboo, because he swore that it was the answer. When his assistant said ‘you have failed ten thousand times!’ he looked at his assistant and said ‘I have not failed once – I have discovered ten thousand failures!’ He finally achieved his goal, and once again, you might know him – Benjamin Franklin.
Look, people talk, and they talk more than they listen. I think that the Insane Clown Posse is the worst excuse for music of all time, but you know what? They have millions who disagree. I think that the Twilight Saga sucks harder than a starving porn star, but guess who has millions of adoring female fans? That’s right, that pale vampire, and let me count the adoring female fans I have – well, let’s see, the Goat Girls love me at the least.
So yes, I recognize that people have different tastes and likes. I also recognize that I write things that are meant to leave you feeling dirty and covered in blood, and that many find it distasteful. I do not however see your books climbing up the sales charts, asshole; give some fucking credit even if you do not like it! I have a book out, I put the effort in to put myself in your scope to criticize and you?
Am I bitter about bad reviews? Hell no! I love them, I learn from them and call me crazy, but no matter how hard you fuck my book you read it now didn’t you? So I won the game either way. Basically, I just fucked your mother and you now have to describe it to everyone.
Let me end by saying this if you do not have something worthy to say that you can back up and suck my nuts. If you have something to say that’s worthy, then thank you very much! The only thing worse than a bad book review is a bad book review right? Think that five times fast!
To wrap it up I was asked by the very beautiful Monique if I could make it a little longer. Honey – you do the right thing and it will get longer, bigger and thicker!
So what is something you know of that got shit reviews when it is actually brilliant? Email your answers to email@example.com and you might just win a copy of my latest book ‘The Pitchfork Diaries’.