Lately the media’s been screaming out that the zombies are coming and to be honest, they might actually be right. After the attack of a homeless man in the middle of the day on a highway in Miami, Florida and his assailant’s supposed “cocaine psychosis” resulting in the homeless man’s face being eaten off, well… one must wonder what the hell is going on in the world. Honestly, I have no idea, but seeing as there has been some frightening things going on in Miami as of late, it’s better to be prepared for the worst. First things first though, and although this might seem a little paranoid, I think the facts should be revealed about Miami’s current state:
16 May 2012 – McArthur High School students and teachers gets decontaminated after breaking out in a mysterious rash - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/16/mcarthur-high-school-contamination_n_1521764.html
19 May 2012 – No confirmation on chemical spill at Fort Lauderdale International Airport (Terminal 2 gets evacuated) - http://www.wptv.com/dpp/news/terminal-2-evacuated-at-fort-lauderdale-airport-in-hazmat-scare
21 May 2012 – Man bites woman in Westchester - http://www.mysuburbanlife.com/westchester/newsnow/x639948018/Police-Man-bites-woman-in-Westchester
23 May 2012 – I-285 reopens after hazmat incident (more decontamination at schools) - http://www.wesh.com/r/31112110/detail.html
23 May 2012 – Man Bites Cousin’s Nose Off - http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/local/Man-Bites-Cousins-Nose-Off-153100125.html
24 May 2012 – Second Broward school reports mystery rash - http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/05/24/2815003/second-broward-school-reports.html
25 May 2012 – Hazmat Called After Kids Exposed To Pesticide On Bus: Hazmat, EMS Respond To Lake County, FL School - http://www.wesh.com/r/31112110/detail.html
25 May 2012 – ‘Disoriented’ passenger subdued on flight in Miami - http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/05/25/passenger-restrained-on-flight-to-miami-arrested/
26 May 2012 – Naked Man Allegedly Eating Victim’s Face Shot And Killed By Miami Police – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/26/naked-man-eating-victims-face-killed-miami_n_1548359.html
26 May 2012 – Florida Doctor Spits Blood at Highway Patrolmen After DUI Arrest - http://abcnews.go.com/US/florida-doctor-spits-blood-troopers-face-dui-arrest/story?id=16436402
So as you can see, there’s a lot of signs that zombies might actually be real. Either way, it’s better to be safe than to be sorry, right? Well, Killer Aphrodite Entertainment decided that to keep its readers safe, it would be best to put together a pocket-sized survival guide for you. In other words, just a few tips that might actually assist you lot to get out of a tight situation if by some chance you come face to face with an undead cannibalistic, flesh-eating zombie. Firstly though, you need to realise that Hollywood speculates that there are two types of zombies out there… we cannot be certain which type we’ll encounter, be it the sprinting-running kind or the shuffling-slow kind. Therefore, you will have to determine your zombie. If it’s the sprinting-running kind of zombie, most of us are already fucked and can just as well get the koolaid ready for in case. If the zombies are the shuffling-slow kind on the other hand, humanity might stand a chance. However, the tips are for both types, if by some chance you are one of the lucky few that don’t get torn limb from limb in a hoard of undead monsters.
Guns may seem like a good idea, but if the movies are correct, they’ll only give the zombies a location on where you are. Therefore, keep a gun or two around, make sure you have enough ammo if you actually want to fire the thing, but use it as a last resort. It’s better to get something that can destroy the zombie’s brain quietly, but still give you some distance. A sword, a golf driver, a machete or a baseball bat (not aluminium) is usually the best way to do it. With a wooden baseball bat you can also hammer in a few nails and make it a little more dangerous, so do that. Get your weapons ready, but be sure not to use your gun unless it’s absolutely necessary!
Get a pair of good shoes ready, preferably running shoes. If you can’t run, at least you’ll go out trying… However, you don’t want to wear a pair of shoes that’ll pinch your toes or give you blisters if by some chance you do need to run. It will be optimum if you do get yourself in shape though, so get on the treadmill and work on that cardio! Give yourself a better chance to survive!
Emotional ties will get you killed. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REACH LOVED ONES! If you want to be a hero, then do it on your own risk and don’t drag down other people with you so you can go be with whoever the hell is probably already dead. Also, if you are lucky enough to be with loved ones and one gets infected or all… well, don’t be afraid to kill them. It’s survival of the fittest and frankly, YOU need to survive now. It’s kill or be killed, so do it swiftly and put them out of their misery.
Tight clothes will help you not get pulled back, skinny jeans are in, so get yourself a pair of those, but don’t forget that a tight sweater or jacket (preferably thick enough not to be chewed through) will protect you against the cold. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE WITHOUT PROTECTIVE CLOTHING! If you have armour somewhere, wear it! The heat is the last thing to worry about right now, just don’t join the hoard!
Stock up on fuel, food and water. Buy yourself a generator if you can, but ONLY to keep the fridge alive. Do not use a generator for light, because the zombies will be drawn to it at night and you’ll find yourself surrounded by them. If you have enough food and water, stay inside. Ration it out for as long as you can, before you venture out and DO NOT VENTURE OUT WITHOUT A SOUND PLAN!
Don’t be a dummy. Reinforce all of your windows and doors with wood. If you’re in South Africa, you’ll not have to do this (we already live in prisons), but if you live in some other part of the world where a seven foot high brick wall is not a common feature around a house, GET IT REINFORCED! You don’t want to wake up next to a rotter.
Stay out of cities and other locations with a dense population. The cities will go first then the suburbs. So if you’re living in the city, make sure to not stick around there for too long and if you’re in a suburb… it might be a good idea to leave as soon as your recently deceased neighbour steps through your back door. Travel light though, just take the essentials!
DON’T GIVE UP. Never give up hope that somehow humanity will survive. A zombie apocalypse might sound scary, but it’s just mother nature purging the world of assholes and losers. If you fight for survival, you might actually be able to keep humanity surviving with your genes. Don’t become a monster yourself though, because they usually get killed off sooner than the rest.
On a side note, take along some reading material, because what else will there be for you to do when you’re not fighting off a couple of zombies? Choose wisely though… In my opinion I’d take Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead along, just for in case. However, you might want to check into getting a proper guide on how to grow and cultivate your own food. Other than that, make sure that you get some seeds and stuff like that so that when you are in a safe location you can try to survive without the help of processed foods. Farming might be a dying trait in most cases, but when the zombie apocalypse hits, we’ll need to go back to doing things old-school… YOU CAN SURVIVE IF YOU PLAN AHEAD!
I hope these tips and hints will have helped you get onto the right track with your planning. Don’t delay any longer, know your exits at all times and for heavens sake, get your head into the game and do your zombie research. There are plenty of films and books out there on the subject, so don’t get caught with your pants down… The zombie apocalypse is coming soon to a city near you…